WATCHING HORROR WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE

In 1996, we learned "There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie." After years of yelling 'don't run up the stairs' or 'he's right behind you' at your television set, Wes Craven finally gave us a reason to cheer: Scream. 

The cult slasher flick released the official 'rules' of surviving horror and every fan knows them. In fact, everything I ever really needed to know I learned from Scream.

So, to the next gen. of horror lovers out there, instead of stifling your creativity by giving you rules, here are some tips just in case you ever find yourself needing to outsmart the genre.

These tips were provided by ScaryForKids.com

1
Don't walk around saying "Hello?" like the killer is going to reply "Yeah I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?

2
Never go to the toilet alone. If needs be, poop your pants. It's much safer.

3
If someone says, "Its just the wind, guys. Stop overreacting", you should reply "Yeah well I hope I don't over react when you're dead and stuffed beneath the floorboards".

4
Never look behind you while running away. When you look back, the killer will be standing right in front of you.

5
If you're asked to babysit during a storm, on Halloween, on Friday the 13th, or during a full moon, just say "Sorry, no can do".

6
Avoid screaming, crying, whispering, panting, wheezing, or breathing heavily when you're trying to hide. Killers are not deaf.

7
If there is a scary legend, believe it. It's real. It doesn't matter if the legend says the killer has an onion for a head or a bear trap for a mouth. Its real and he's coming for you.

8
Don't split up and look for clues. Everything you learned from Scooby-Doo is wrong.


9
If someone says "Yeah that's the house where Old man Jenkins was murdered", know its time to move.


10
OK, under the bed is not a real hiding spot. What self-respecting killer WOULDN'T check under the bed?

In 2001 I found myself using 'the rules' to escape a horrific fate.

Here is my personal story. 

The night started in smiles--

My girlfriends and I were 13 and on our first unsupervised trip to an outdoor shopping mall. At 7 pm my mother dropped us off at the corner of East Bridge Street and she would promptly return at 9 pm in the same location. 

It was 8:45 pm when the evening took a grisly turn.The sky grew dark and a few drops of rain began to fall. Suddenly, the few sprinkles transformed into a violent storm. The stores quickly locked their doors and we ran chaotically out into an open lot. There, we stood stupidly, unsure of which direction East Bridge Street was. We stared nervously as the rain came down harder and soaked through our cotton shirts.

"Hey," we heard in the open air. 

Next to us, a large white van appeared.

A tall man with thin curly hair threw an unlit cigarette on the ground. "Do you know where Victoria's Secret is?" he asked, straightening out his metallic blue skirt. 

One of the girls piped up, "Its across the way, next to Wet Seal," she shouted over the rain. "But its closed now. Everything is closed now." She held her hand across her forehead like a visor, trying to see.

"Could you show me?" he continued, cracking the back door of his van. My eyes were drawn in to the dark thin slit, wondering what was hiding in there.

"Um," the youngest of us said.
I looked at the girls, knowing I've watched this before. Scenes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Silence of the Lambs scattered in my head. I yanked my friends close and eyeballed them.
"We gotta go," I said rudely. 

"I'll happily buy you girls something, if you just show me the way," he prompted gesturing toward the door. "Its dry in here." 

One of the girls glanced at me like she felt obligated to help.

"Run," I said forcefully, "Don't split up and don't look back, just run." 

The girls looked at me and nodded. We ran faster than we had ever run before. Moments later my mother's car appeared. We got in, trembling and gasping for air. That night we learned what a cross-dresser was and how important the rules of horror were.

If you are interested in how you would stack up take the Buzz Feed Quiz inspired by Scream to find out how long you would survive in a horror movie. 

In the unfortunate but likely event you find yourself being chased by death, know the survival rules and know them well.
Good luck...